Blind-sighted on a Friday by my Wife.
It still surprises me when I look back at it all and when I do travel back… everything is doused in an existential greyness, as if I’m seeing things from a different angle, an observer on the sidelines if you will, there to witness events and no more.
What is it that I’m witnessing as this third party? It is but the unfolding of two lovers… a strong perfect family… our happy lives… us…me.
Strange then it is, as it all happened in brilliant bright sunlight on a Friday morning. I am one for faces, names escape me but faces never, its how I’m built. A life in pictures. It’s unusual for me to remember a specific day for any occasion, I remember this Friday in question however, typical that the date has unfavourable flavours — Friday 13th July 2018, the beginning of the end.
Let me paint a scene for you. Picture bright warm sunshine, gentle breezes, blue skies, a cocktail or two, foreign sweet tasting beers, good food, family times…carefree times.
Location Eastern Europe on our first all inclusive family holiday that you, corny as it may sound, ‘the other half of me’; had managed to bargain the previous October. Funny that those cold winds of October seemed to find their way into this hot July and envelope us.
“I’m not sure I love you any more? I mean I love you, I’m just not sure I’m in love with you”, she said.
There are occasions in life, when things may be not going according to plan, or where there are hints or at least, fleeting moments that appear on the horizon that might cause a person to pause and contemplate what murky waters may lie ahead downstream. I got no such forward view of this. Even looking back now, I truly was and still am blind-sighted.
How did we get here? I think it’s a fair question, or perhaps a better one is, where the hell are we? Had I rounded some corner and entered some strange twilight zone? I had been happily motoring down the long windy road of life, sun in my face, wind in my hair, traveling with my family in tow. I was strong as I had them and I knew they had me. The three of us against the world. We had each other. Sure there would with be un-chartered territory at times, painful moments, family loss but I knew or believed at least that we were strong. Strong enough to survive more than most; rain hail or snow we would get by as we had each other and we had vowed as much many years ago.
It’s amazing how in one moment, your life is going in one direction and then in another it’s suddenly off-course. Just. Like. That.
So I failed to recognise a turning point, plain and simple. However for you, it was the death of your mother. Her death at an age far too young for such things, it hit home hard. I know it caused you to re-think life, to re-think the direction you were taking, to re-think everything. It all of a sudden became carpe diem, not that we had been sitting idly by watching life pass us by.
We were always busy, traveling, working, raring a family. Laughing loving. Making plans, seeing some through, some not. That’s life. We traveled, explored, we did all that we should do and could. It was blissful. I have the thousands of photos to prove it! Photo’s which I now live in and which simultaneously bring as much pain as they do joy.
Imagine my surprise when six months later after the above declaration and ironically just as we were starting to find our way back to that happy ‘photo like’ place; that I discover your pending plans to take a weekend trip and act out an affair. One that had been born out over six months of texting, Face-time calls, photos to him…it hurts, I have no words. NEVR YOU. I trusted you implicitly. My wife, mother to our son, my friend, my lover — how, why?
I may never understand fully.
People have this amazing ability to love and hurt. They have a propensity for both in equal measure. You hope believe and put all your faith in one bucket, trying to capture every moment adding to the bucket always but being careful not to spill it as you carry it around. When/if it gets knocked over though and its contents are spilled across the sun baked cobble stone road that is life, never to be re-filled as it were - well you don’t need me to tell you that this can be earth shattering, heart breaking and so lonely.
So this is where we are today Saturday Feb 9th 2019, some of the pain has subdued. We are both friendly, on good terms even, we act as normal, we still share tender embraces - hugs but no more, we exist separately under the one roof. From the outside looking in, we may even appear ‘normal’. Thankfully our boy is still oblivious to it all, he’s too young and I want to spare him some pain for as much as possible, although some is inevitable. This knowledge hurts too. At least we are both united in loving him and have no regrets on life thus far. I am grateful for this. We will both together continue to carry him and while you may have carried him for nine months more, I will carry him for the rest of his life or mine regardless of, if your path should take you far away or not.
I just know this, there is more turbulent waters, more rough ground to travel, more dark days. Separation is never easy. Untangling two lives that forever will be intertwined to some degree is hard! We still really are only at the beginning… and starting over is not something I relish but like day follows night, it has a natural way to it, I just have to pick myself up and dust myself down. I did try to save us, I was and am willing to do so, to forgive, to forget and to learn from it…You know this, but like the old proverb, ‘You can bring a horse to water…’
For the record they were brilliant bright sunny days, I loved every moment and will continue to cherish them for years to come. I am not bitter or twisted, it’s not my style, you know this. You’re on your journey, I’m on mine, we shared the road for a while, 12 years to be exact and for this time, I thank you for keeping me company. It still makes me smile, even now as I write this. Even after all this pain.
Hopefully our new respective roads are soft under foot and with the wind at our back and the sun upon our faces, we will continue to learn, grow and love some more, albeit differently.
I wish you safe travels old friend.